HOW TO TALK TO KIDS ABOUT CHURCH HURT
by Rebecca Parks, LMFT-Associate
Use age-appropriate language.
- Young children often only need the understanding that someone made a bad choice that hurt people, without details of the transgression. Older kids may require more details, as appropriate to their age and while respecting others’ privacy.
- We want to be transparent and truthful, without being overwhelming. Parents should decide what this looks like based on each unique child and their respective ages. You may need to have multiple, separate conversations with each child.
- Be clear before discussing what your boundaries and values are as a family. How can you share about the situation that will uphold your family values and Christ-like values? I.e. “God thinks marriage is so important. It’s a big deal when a marriage gets hurt.”
- Each family is different, each child is different. Use your Holy Spirit-led wisdom and intuition.
Listen to their thoughts and feelings with openness.
- Kids often have bold opinions and questions when receiving news about public transgressions. Try not to judge or scold them for their honesty, but rather welcome all their thoughts.
- If you have a deeply-feeling child, let them know it’s okay to feel their big feelings about this. Let them know that God has big feelings and hurts over this, too.
- After their feelings and opinions are expressed and met with loving compassion, then your child’s thinking brain will be able to take in guidance and teaching.
Separate the bad choice from the person.
- Young children still think in concrete terms. Nuance and “gray” understanding doesn’t emerge until older childhood and teenage years. So, how we frame a ‘bad choice” in the church context matters.
- Remind your child that the people involved are not their sin. Remind your child they are not their sin, either. Remind them Jesus died and rose again to heal our hearts, show us grace and mercy, and help us when we face difficult times and make bad choices. Jesus doesn’t turn His back on us, ever.
Let them ask questions.
- Be open to their questions, and when you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to say “I don’t know”. You don’t have to have all the answers right now.
- Model commitment to grace and truth. Model commitment to character. Model humility and honesty about our limits and dependence on God when we don’t understand.
Pray with your children.
- Pray for those involved and their families or others directly impacted.
- Pray for our church family.
- Pray for our pastors and leadership.
- Pray for our own hearts, emphasizing humility and reliance on God in all things: “Lord, we need You. Yes, we need You. Every hour, we need You.”